Where There's A Will...

By K. D. Sears: Olivia Carruthers Thornton Markham surprised society and her family with an impromptu marriage to Herbert Chang, a brilliant undergraduate studying physics at MIT.

"It was a complete surprise to everyone," said an unnamed source close to the family. "Of course, with Olivia, you never know who she's going to marry next."

"She's a little old for him," said his mother, Ping-lo Chang.

"They will not be able to give us grandchildren," lamented his father, Wang Chang.

Rumors of Mr. Chang's abilities in the bedroom have become legendary amongst the sexually-repressed engineers on the famous Cambridge campus. Several female students interviewed only raised their eyes and sighed when asked about Mr. Chang. One woman sobbed openly on hearing that Mr. Chang was now married.

Mr. and Mrs. Chang were unavailable for comment.

By K. D. Sears: Phoebe Carruthers, famous romance novelist and heiress to the Carruthers fortune, regularly strolls around her father's Newport Estate without wearing a stitch of clothing. The naked heiress "often spends hours in the sun totally in the nude," claimed one source familiar with Miss Carruthers.

American Informant photographer Charlie Mack, known for his famous Bigfoot family portraits, was assigned to check out the story. After catching the aging nudist in the buff, he was rudely assaulted by family butler William Messier.

Messier attacked Mr. Mack with "intent to kill."

"I thought I was a dead man," said Mr. Mack. "When he came at me with that garden implement, I thought I was going to die. I haven't been so close to death since the time I surprised Mrs. Bigfoot bathing in the river."

Fortunately, Mr. Mack was able to shield himself with his camera bag and, after a brief fight, he was able to escape with his life.

"He took the camera with my pictures. That won't stop me though! I'll be back for more pictures, because the people want to know!"

Spokesmen representing the Carruthers estate refused to reply to our inquiries. Mr. Mack is considering pressing charges.

By A. Cooper: A West Bend waitress has been identified by several people as kidnapped heiress Samantha Forrest. American Informant sources have learned that the kidnapping has been nothing but a CIA hoax.

Ms. Forrest, far from being a hostage, is actually being protected by the CIA witness protection program. Sources believe that she may be connected to a continuing investigation of the infamous Othello mob.

Unfortunately Ms. Forrest, who has been using the name "Laura Palmer," fled North Bend when she learned that the American Informant was on her trail.

While enjoying a slice of cherry pie and a damn fine cup of coffee, this reporter wondered: Are Laura Palmer and Samantha Forrest the same woman? Watch the American Informant for further developments. Your reporter, A. Cooper, is still on the case.

By K. D. Sears: Phillip Schoolcraft, playboy race car driver and heir to the Carruthers fortune, had his first-place trophy for the Kalamazoo 300 taken away after it was learned that he used an illegal engine in the race. Mr. Thornton was unable to explain why the engine glowed with an eerie green hue during the race. He was also unable to explain why he used practically no gasoline during his entire time on the track.

"It's an experimental engine built by my cousins Gerald and Geoffrey," explained Thornton. Just because it doesn't use much gas doesn't mean the race committee can take away my victory! I protest!"

Dr. Robert Baker, noted Western Michigan University physics professor was on hand at the race. "That engine is like nothing on this planet," he said. "It doesn't use human technology."

Mr. Thornton, who often takes trips out to Las Vegas, has been rumored to be involved in "suspicious behavior" in the area.

"My guess is that he's testing something for the scientists out of Area 51, the Air Force's UFO research center," said Professor Baker. Area 51 is the Air Force's designation for a supersecret desert testing ground not far from Las Vegas.

"We don't care if it came from UFOs," said Dwight "Camshaft" Jones, the head judge at the race. "That ain't no internal combustion engine. It don't count in our race."

While the race committee was examining the engine, it started making odd sounds. Before nine witnesses, the engine melted down into a pile of slag.

"This is typical of the Air Force," said a noted UFO expert. "Once the cover is blown on alien technology, they destroy it so that they can claim there's no existing proof."

By K. D. Sears: Well-known psychic Harry "Eerie" Feller has revealed details of another conference with Elvis Presley. Presley, who has been piloting flying saucers since faking his death, spent some time with the psychic during an out-of-body visitation by Feller at Presley's saucer base on the dark side of the Moon.

"Elvis is concerned," Feller reported, "with his 'new neighbors' on the moon."

According to Elvis, the CIA is in the process of constructing a secret facility on the dark side of the Moon, to be used for nefarious mind-control experiments.

"Once the CIA moves in, well, there goes the neighborhood..." Presley told Feller.

By K. D. Sears: Well-known psychic Harry "Eerie" Feller told this reporter more details about the psychic's recent out-of-body press conference with Elvis Presley at Presley's flying saucer base on the dark side of the Moon. According to Feller, "Elvis has a new love in his life, a psychic from the East Coast. He flies down to meet her every few weeks and they go on romantic flights back to Presley's base."

These flights tally with reports of strange sightings throughout New York, Rhode Island and Massachusetts that are being denied by the Air Force.

When pressed to identify the woman, Feller said that she will reveal herself in due time. Feller predicts that when she reveals herself, she will be pregnant with Presley's love child, a fetus genetically enhanced with powers of ESP and telekinesis.

Feller reported that this is the first time Presley has been on a 'date' since his last girlfriend died in a saucer crash on Pluto.

...The Jet Set is abuzz with the news that madcap heiress Olivia Carruthers Thornton Markham Schoolcraft Chang Leverrier (whew!) has been slapped with an IRS fine of over $500,000. That's a lot of caviar, Olivia dear. What happened? Did they catch you trying to claim all your ex-husbands as deductions???...

...Did anyone else catch the floor show at the Club Phoenix last night? It seems that a certain "pistol packin mama" dumped a magnum of champagne over the head of her beleaguered escort, and then flounced out of the club with another man. Temper, temper, Olivia dear...

Who is the tall, dark, and handsome mystery man currently squiring heiress and perennial bride Olivia Carruthers Thornton Markham Schoolcraft Chang Leverrier? Could he be a candidate for husband #6? Naughty, naughty, Olivia! Aren't you still married to Hollywood hunk Stuart Leverrier???

By K. D. Sears: In the culmination of a classic May-December romance, elderly millionaire Millard Wilberforce Carruthers today wed his faithful young nurse Allison Hastings in a quiet ceremony at Niagara Falls.

The groom, who had been ailing for several months, was quoted as saying: "Allison was the only medicine that I really needed. I feel like a new man!"

After a brief honeymoon at the Falls, the couple plans to return to Carruthers' palatial estate in Newport, R.I.

Other family members were unavailable for comment.

By K. D. Sears: Master carpenter Shawn O'Reilly saw death face to face before it killed him. Two eyewitnesses reported that O'Reilly yelled out that someone was "staring him in the eye" as he worked on the renovation of the West Wing of the Carruthers Mansion in Newport. Mr. O'Reilly was on a twenty foot ladder at the time, working on removing a chandelier.

"He said that there was someone sitting in the chandelier," said one of his coworkers. "That's when we all felt the tempera ture drop thirty degrees in less than a minute. It was real spooky."

"Shawn waved and told it to go away. That's when the ladder crashed to the ground."

"It was like someone evil pushed the ladder out from under Shawn," said the other eyewitness. "Then we heard the laughter. I ran. I've never been so scared in my life."

"Yeah, it laughed and Shawn screamed."

Mr. O'Reilly was electrocuted when he grabbed a live wire leading into the light.

"That wasn't right either," said the eyewitness. "First, we'd killed the power on that circuit. Second, it was only 110. That shouldn't have been enough to kill Shawn. He'd taken 110 lotsa times."

The Carruthers estate is well known for its ghosts and hauntings. Several scientific expeditions have documented the spirits and poltergeists that live in the house.

"Everyone's kind of used to it," said one source who's seen the effects of the spirits on more than one occasion. "After a while, they get to be like just one more eccentric member of the family."

"That house needs an exorcism," said noted "ghostbuster" Reverend Holland Glick of Boston. "There's evil in that house and it's going to keep killing until the evil is exorcised. This isn't the last death in that house."