Estrogen is magic, but it's slow magic.
Notice any difference? The first image is Day One, the second two years later.
March 2022: Day One, 64th birthday
I was nervous, excited, and afraid of going out in public in that dress. I wore the breast forms I'd purchased in secret many years before. Nevertheless, I stepped out my front door, got in the car, and drove for nearly an hour to get to the Planned Parenthood office closest to me. They were fantastic. The nurse practitioner asked me a series of questions that showed them that I understood what I was doing, that I was doing it because of my gender dysphoria, and that I was fully aware of all of the significant effects I would or might encounter. After a few simple blood tests, I walked out with the prescriptions for my initial, low doses of HRT. A quick trip to the pharmacy, then back home. This was the beginning of my incredible journey — and an incredible 64th birthday present for myself.
If you're doing HRT[1] following standard guidelines, with the support of trained health professionals, you start with blood tests. This is a quick check, to see that you can start HRT. Your initial prescriptions are low dosages, designed to see if you can tolerate the process. While there are some initial, obvious changes, they're not visible to others — except, in my case, for the smiles and the joy of living without most of my dysphoria.[2]
And then you wait, following the HRT dose schedule.
July 2022: 4½ months in transition; Day One fully out
I started with a plan. I would remain stealthy for a year, to allow the changes from the HRT to accumulate to a point where I couldn't hide any more. I'd wear my growing female wardrobe at home, changing out of those fashionable clothes whenever I had to leave the house. I loathed being in "boymode." It just felt terribly wrong and heartbreakingly dysphoric. I'd been a jeans and T-shirt person before, but the HRT brought a burgeoning passion for fashion and makeup. I love my dresses. I no longer own pants.
After three and a half months or so, there was a night when I had to run out to drop something off at the local Post Office mailbox. I said "screw this," kept the nice black dress on, and drove off in the darkness to drop the letter off. It was such a relief to be me, even on a mundane errand.
"Screw this" started happening more and more often, and I started going out in daylight, and to more public places, in something in my style, something I loved wearing, with all the jewelry and accessories. About a week before this picture, I caught myself, realizing that I was out in the large local shopping mall. No one was paying any attention to me. I felt female, fabulous, and surprisingly comfortable. I was highly visible, in a place where I might be recognized, and I was good. I realized the plan had to change. I needed to go public.
This is my "coming out" picture, which I used to announce myself to everyone I knew. I was still wearing those breast forms, and I was struggling with my weight. I'm wearing my plain old tennis shoes. There are changes, but they are subtle. At this point, after consultation with my doctor, I'd doubled my HRT dosages, but I hadn't reached the desired hormonal levels.
Given COVID, I anxiously announced my new name and gender over email and Discord, anxious and afraid of the worst possible reactions. Nothing could be further from the truth. The response was joyously, wonderfully, overwhelmingly positive, with acceptance, support and congratulations from so many people. It brought me to tears of joy then, as it does again as I write this.
And then you keep waiting...
March 2023: 12 months in transition, 65th birthday
After your hormone levels have had time to stabilize at their new levels,[3] you repeat the blood tests. Based on those results, you can advocate[4] for an increased dose, if it's appropriate. Then you repeat the wait, as changes accumulate far slower than you'd like. For me, it took about nine months for my testosterone to drop to neglible levels, a year for my estrogen to reach those of a postmenopausal woman. This was right where my wonderful endocrinologist recommended.[5]
This picture, taken at Intercon U, our annual LARP convention, marks a year on HRT. This is all me, the breast forms put away months before this. My hair is more colorful than ever before, an amazing magenta,[6] and I've gone to my bangs. I have new glasses. I've brought a steamer trunk's worth of clothes to the convention, for all my costume changes.
More notably, there were close to 400 people there for the long weekend. I was the con chair and organizer for the first of these conventions, fundamental in its initial and continuing success for so many years. By this time, I'd run one or more games at almost every previous con, and played in so many more. As a result, I'm very well known in the community.
For most, this was the first time they'd seen me in person. For many more, this was the first time they learned about my transition. I 💜💜💜 this community. They are my people, and, once again, they embraced me as the incredible woman that I am.
Shortly after this picture, my legal name change went through the courts. I was officially Jennifer! 🎉🎊 My driver's license also came up for renewal. I'd already changed the gender marker to female, so I went to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, handed them the name change document, waved my phone to pay, and then had my new picture taken. Imagine my surprise to see my mother's face on my driver's license! (To my knowledge, she never had purple hair, so it must be me, but it's still freaky.)
And then you keep waiting... The changes are subtle, until they are not.
July 2023: 16½ months in transition; 12 months fully out
This picture, taken in Erica's hair salon, is me after my first year fully out. By this time, I'd started seeing someone new in the mirror, the last person to actually notice the changes. I'd look in the mirror, shake my head, and do a double take, because there was a happy woman there, and she was me! My breasts continued to grow and I was beginning to get real curves!
I'd decided I wanted my hair to be more purple, so we were experimenting with color. My eyeshadow matched my hair, and my nails were more purple than before. I frequently wear purple lip bond. Even my watchband was lavender.
It's important to understand that I was always dressed like this, from Day One, whether I was staying in or going out. I am always in a dress, with coordinated jewelry. I am NOT subtle! I 💜 being me. It gives me great energy and confidence, and people respond positively to that.
The idea of "passing" can be a trap that stops or slows transgender people from living their best life. What's far more important is how you’re treated by people when you're out and about as your authentic self. I still think it’s obvious who and what I am, but I’ve always been properly gendered and treated as the incredible woman I was always meant to be. I live in a progressive part of the US, but I’ve probably been in every woman’s room at rest stops on I-95 from Maine to DC, without issue. Do I pass? I don’t know, I don’t care, and it hasn’t mattered for me.[7] No one is going to stop me from boldly, confidently, and joyfully living my best life.
September 2023: 18 months in transition
Hair is costuming, and a weekend long LARP is my opportunity to experiment. For On the Rocks, the Wilmark Dynasty's Labor Day 2023 LARP, I played Ada Rushmore, the new American goddess of drugs.[8] I really wanted everything to stand out, because that's just who Ada was. As always, I filled in Erica with the details of my character and gave her carte blanche to design my look. Her work was brilliant, and really captured the character. It helped me to really immerse myself in the part. I went more pink in my nails, which I'd grown out to that length.[9]
I loved the look so much that I've kept it ever since, with minor variations.
I also loved being able to wear that dress. I joke that I've purchased more clothes, jewelry, and shoes in the x months of my transition than I did in the previous x years, where x is the current number of months in my transition!
March 2024: 24 months in transition, 66th birthday
This was at Intercon V, and I'd lost just over a hundred pounds from the previous year.
Losing weight is hard, and requires discipline. I'd tried a lot of diets, but this time I had real incentive. I talked with my doctors and they recommended Awaken180, a commercial program. It's not cheap, but I found it surprisingly easy. I've also discovered a number of recipes I love, that Jordan and I make quite frequently. I must give a shout out to Patrick, my incredible coach.[10] We chat every week by phone, to track my progress and make adjustments to the diet. I'm getting very close to my goal weight, moving from obese to the healthy weight range for my height.
Because I've changed my eating habits, I've been able to keep almost all of that weight off, even when I've been forced to pause the diet to deal with some significant life challenges.[11]
Incentive? I can now buy gorgeous clothes off the rack in nearly any store. I'm no longer confined to the obnoxiously named 'plus size' section. This is highly dangerous for my budget. I have to replace all of my old dresses with more stylish fashionable new dresses. First world problems, I know, but I don't mind it in the least.[12]
Not bad for 66 years old! Definitely worth celebrating!
July 2024: 28½ months in transition; 24 months fully out
To celebrate my second anniversary fully out, I dug out the anniversary dress and put it back on:
Notice any differences?[13][14]
Footnotes
[1]: Hormone Replacement Therapy. For me, this is estrogen, which I get through adhesive estradiol patches I apply to my skin, and spironalactone, a testosterone blocker, which is a pill.
[2]: My cat Pandora 😻 and I shared the discovery of just how sensitive my breasts became. One morning a few weeks into HRT, she crawled onto my chest for her preferred morning petting before breakfast. She started kneading on my breast, and then we both went flying. I nearly fell off the bed, sore, but laughing. This extreme sensitivity went away before too long, but both of us were very wary about her visits after that.
[3]: My doctors suggested three months.
[4]: I am in complete control of the process, no one else. The medical professionals I've worked with made that clear. There was no pressure to follow some mythical "Nefarious LGBTQ Agenda." There's no "Hitchhiker's Guide to Gender," or "One True Transition Checklist." Everything I've done here has been my decision, at a pace that's comfortable for me.
[5]: I started with Planned Parenthood because I could get an appointment almost immediately, on my birthday. I was already on the waitlist for the GenderCare Center at Boston Medical Center, but it was six months before I could see an endocrinologist there. I didn't want to wait. When I finally got to see her, she was great, and approved of what I'd done with Planned Parenthood.
[6]: I 💜 Erica, my incredible friend and stylist. She was one of the very first people I came out to, and she started adding color and cut to my hair. I feel amazing because of her magic. What's more, this color would fade to a gorgeous mix of pale magenta and silver. Strangers come up to me and compliment me on my hair. I never imagined people would love the way I looked, or dressed, but it happens, and frequently. Me? Compliments? How is that even possible? It's so powerfully affirming and absolutely wonderful. It never gets old.
[7]: Safety is always a concern, not just because I'm transgender and there are bigots out there, but also because I'm a woman. This has been a real learning experience for me.
[8]: It was based on Neil Gaiman's American Gods.
[9]: I conspired with Mackenzie, my nail specialist, about the look. Acrylic dips are magic. That length is my new normal. Typing is a challenge, though!
[10]: Thank you Patrick — you're the best.💜 I couldn't have done this without you.
[11]: My gallbladder decided to explode, for one.
[12]: I'm writing this part in the shade of my back porch, on a warm July day, in full view of my neighbors. I'm wearing my tiny black bikini, a floral sarong, and nothing else. It's a long-repressed dream come true.
[13]: As if I wasn't being not subtle enough, I've recently discovered a genetic compulsion to wear heels that go with my outfit, which is why there are close to two dozen pairs in my bedroom now⁉️🙀 I'm 6' in flats to begin with, and I usually add at least 2.5" to that, if not more. Definitely NOT SUBTLE!
[14]: Written in late July and early August, 2024.